Hello,

In our current boot camp, Winning Round Two, we are all about relationships! Relationships with ourselves and others. We are using the cognitive model to look at relationships. When we do this, we find that everything the other person thinks, feels, says, and does, well, that’s just our circumstance (also know as the “upsetting event” in our Daily Mood Log, developed by Dr. David Burns, or our “situation.”).

And just to remind all of us – including myself - we have no control over the circumstance. If we are looking for our power in any situation, we are not looking to change the circumstance, we are looking to change the part where we are all-powerful!!! Our thoughts! I’ve heard it said that all of our power lies in our ability to decide what to think in any given moment.

So what happens when we are talking with someone and OUCH! We don’t like what they said?!? Well, that just means, we don’t like our circumstance.

And what happens when we want someone to think, feel, say, or behave in a particular way? We are wishing we had control over part of the model we don’t have control over. 

Yep, no control over the circumstance, no control over the thoughts, feelings, behaviors or statements of others.

Sometimes we can get addicted to praise and recognition, just as someone might get addicted to candy, praise can be mental candy, and we might return again and again to the praise vending machine, if that is what we are using to feel good.

If we think, “They agree with me, so that means I’m right.” “They like me, that means I’m good enough.” “Their validation means I’m okay.” Then life is good when the praise is rolling in.

But allow anything to happen to the praise vending machine, and we start to go crazy without our fix. We may yell at the vending machine, work harder to extract the praise, or even kick it (no one has actually done that, right?).

“Praise heaven” (life full of praise) might sound ideal, until we realize that “praise hell” (life without praise) is intimately attached as the other side of the coin.
So what then is the way to empowerment, freedom, and joy?

How can we free ourselves from going to the praise vending machine, looking for a nice nugget of praise to fall into our hands?

Try this one on:

“They don’t have to understand, I do.”

The next time you are having a conversation and end up feeling a bit punched in the stomach or deflated by the lack of praise, recognition and the like, see what it feels like to tell yourself this one.

I got it curtesy of Jody Moore.

We are exploring this and other things we can tell ourselves to find our peace and empowerment this week in our Winning Round Two Bootcamp.